Behind the scenes

                                                                                                                                                                                  The words     " be still and know that I am God"....

These words have been in my mind all night. God knows what is next.... Cory has been doing great since they took away one of his Chemotherapy. He has had energy, eating, and just feeling great. He has had a cold this past week but nothing to bad .

I have not been so great.... Having to have it all together is HARD.... 

Taking care of a baby, home schooling the girls, cleaning the house, and taking care of Cory is HARD. I feel bad to say that it is hard... or that I am having a moment. I miss my sister just because we would talk about anything..... I want a nap... coffee with a friend with no babies. Just time to BREATH...  I know many friends have said I would love to have coffee and I say Yes that would be great lets plan that.... but that is it . How do I plan that my life is Crazy. When we don't have chemo. I am doing catch up with school , house stuff, or just life.

 I am doing a study and she said "Life is not a emergency"...

We need to stop and enjoy time. How do we do that? How??

I want to enjoy time . I want to be more like my husband. I am jealous of his life right know. He wants a nap he takes one. He wants to take a hour shower with no one coming in .... He does. He wants guy time he gets it....

I know he is in pain most of the time. But it looks like he does not have a care in the world...

How does he do that. I want that gift of just stopping and enjoying time...

You see as a woman  my mind is always going. Life for me is a emergency I am always thinking of what is next. I am thinking about how my girls are taking or more like handling what is going on with there daddy. I think about what is going to happen next. WHEN is Cory going to get sick again. Money bills, how and when they need to get paid...

School am I teaching my girls right. Are they growing in the Lord do they have a relationship with him... How am I being as a example to the girls ..... 

So stopping is something I don't know how to do.

 You see when I read all these blogs on other people that they are having all together it makes me think how are they really doing... I know making memories are great but are you really doing it all the time. My husband is dying but he acts like he is living forever... things that I would do or say for him is not important and even silly.

This is what is going on behind the scenes.... what makes me not break is knowing with not a doubt ... THAT MY SAVIOR.... know what is going to happen next!!!!

Praise the Lord I don't need to have all the answers. I can have a moment with the Lord. He does not judge me he HOLDS ME...

He sends his word, friends and songs to encourage me. When I feel like I can not go on that is when He steps in... SO even though I don't know how to BREATH.... the Lord takes my next breath for me..

" be still and know I am GOD"