Overwhelmed with Thanksgiving...

It has been a long time since I have written.... I don't even think I wrote after Cory had his clear scans. As you can imagine it has been crazy. We have had our up and downs of emotions. Yes you read right;I did write  downs when it came to emotions. I think the hardest thing for Cory and I was how to act after the scan. When we where going through the storm so many people where holding us and making sure we where ok. Then Cory was clear and everyone gave us space but we did not know what to do with it.  That is the hard part when you are going through the trail we have some who don't know what to do so they don't come by or hang out. But then you have those friends that all they do is come by and bring Potato soup:)  I think Cory and I went through a little of survivor guilt. Why us? What do we do next? My sweet Lord has been so patient with us. Listening to our thoughts and hearing our hearts.. I am so thankful that I have a patient God. Also I am so thankful that I have a God that answers our silly questions..We may never know the Why? But I do see more and more the gifts of last year. I have learned to STOP ! To smell the roses as people say. Cory and I get the saying "enjoy your little ones because this time is not forever...." something you roll your eyes at because you are still not sleeping threw the night.

And have not had quiet time in forever that you think it will never happen again.  Just look Isabell is almost Cory hieght and Sabrina is that best baby sister I could have. You will sleep again and have quiet time. Then when that comes you will miss them sitting on your laps.. 

But one thing that latly has really jumped out at me or I would say a word that really jumped out is PRAYER....   We have learned to pray for our friends the way they prayed for us. To pray for marriages because satan is after our homes.  To pray for our babies. Or just to pray . Prayer is what healed Cory nothing else. Prayer works for all things but for some reason we only pray for food or when we need something. Prayer is the time we talk to Jesus. Stop and think about that. When you Pray you are going to the thron of the creator of everything... WOW  is all I can say about that. Latly my prayer has been more just saying thank  you,  thank you, thank you. 

Why  because my sweet boy points at all the photo's of his daddy and say daddy.

 I can not help but think if the Lord would have  said "no Edith I am taking him home." He would just be seeing the photo.... I would cry everytime that he would point and say Daddy...  You see Louis is in love with his daddy. Thank you Lord for letting him here a little while longer. You see we are all here just for a little while. I am thank ful that Louis gets to eat sugar cereal with his daddy late at night.

Thankful that he gets to share chips on his daddy's lap.  Thank ful that he just has his daddy. When he points and says daddy I say Yes he is at work. Thank you Lord he is at work.. So please keep calling, praying and, taking us to the thron of God . We still need it ... We are still fighting a battle that we all can not see.... Thank you to all my sweet friend who love us, laugh with us, and still cry with us.... Just want to say thank you  truly overwhelmed with Thanksgiving at this time of year when we stop more to say thank you....

Walking by faith is hard....

Walking by faith it is so hard.  I know fail  all the time. I am always working on  plan B.  I read the word where it says that the Lord will take care of all of my needs ...YES   But still work on selling stuff doing something to make things work faster then waiting. It's like when you are watching what you are eating and then you over eat you kick your self because you should  of just walked a way!!!! That is how I feel when I work on plan B.... This after noon I let my thought take over and while Cory was making my girls closet work better for us I had a anxiety attack. I told him "Honey I feel like I am going to have a heart attack".... But I stopped and took a deep breath . Praise the Lord that I have his Word that is true and stronger then anything EVERY WHERE  in our house ... the verse  Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren,whatever is TRUE,   ( Edith you are sitting nursing your baby...) whatever is honorable, ( Edith the Lord is sitting with you RIGHT know) whatever is right, ( Edith the Lord loves you more then the bird) whatever is pure, ( God is pure) whatever is lovely ( your girls are lovely) good what ever is of repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of PRAISE, dwell on these things.... stop and pray .

That is what I did... Cory was like "honey are you okay."  Yep it just left. You see I have been off my anxiety meds for two weeks. I know.... why did you get off ?.... Not that I am against it AT ALLLLLLLLLLL  but I just felt one is was such a small dose.  Second I am always going to have a reason to fear , doubt , worry . I need to lean on the Lord and Learn to deal with these thoughts.... this is so hard... Now I am sure of it if things in life become more then I can handle I have not problem to get back on them .... But for today speaking out loud to myself of where I am and what God is doing gave me peace. I am ok with that today...  Walking by faith is hard. At times so much more then I can handle ... but I think that is the point!!!!! I am not suppose to handle it . Cast your worries on me says the Lord.. He can handle them  for  me. I know that is the only reason that I can walk this walk that is only going to getting harder and with alot more question... I do NEED PRAYER!!!!  I can do nothing with out prayer..... Please pray for me  that I will stop working on plan B's ... That when my thoughts take over and my fear takes over that I will feel the Lord holding me...  

Thank you for all the ones who pray for me .. Thank you for all the encouraging words daily that I get ... most of all thank you for letting me share....  Funny thing is I was not going to write about any of this when I started... I was going to share about how I miss my babies but I guess the Lord had other plans LOL...

What a year.....

What a year we have had with baby boy. I prayed for this sweet baby for 4 years and I had no idea when or what was coming when this sweet blessing would come.... Cory and I have question the Lord's time line why know when he is sick and not 4 years ago when he was at his best... but to be honest we need him. Louis showed us hope, Joy , blessing.  By having Louis at this time it has helped Cory fight. He wants to see him grow .. And "we made it " Louis is one ..... Cory is here and healthy other then cancer .... we are so thankful that our ways are not Your ways Lord that our timing is not your timing ... I am going to share a little of my time this past year and what a blessing my family has been to me... here we go...

 

 

   First Titi Lissette was able to come and spend the summer with me and baby boy... We did not know that he was going to be so sick she stepped right in and took care of my home, my girls and me... Words could no explain how grateful Cory and I where for that... We laughed sang at time when I was in the hospital and overwhelmed . She was the best . Melaine spending the mornings with me in the begin so I would not be alone... Monica holding baby boy so I could sleep. Them both playing with my girls and just being there for us ...  Again thankful that this gift from the Lord allowed my sister to come and spend the summer with me... Know this summer my girls are going for three weeks to spend the summer with her....

 Then the bottom fell out of my life and Lizzy had to  go home but once again my sister stepped in this time. It was a sister that was far away but she came with all of her babies and  her husband.... To hold my hand and help me with the hardest time of my life ... She was my nurse praise the Lord that she loves medicine ( she really should  become a Dr.) and is ok with throw up and smells because there where many times that she would clean up after Cory because I could not do it... She home schooled all the kids ages 2-10 and they loved it... Baby boy would fall a sleep on her anywhere which was a blessing for me so I could be with Cory... Thankful that my mommy made us all have buddies and she was my buddy for sure. Loren you are such a blessing thank you for loving on my babies, cooking, cleaning , organizing, laughing, CRYING lots of crying ... what would I have done those four Months....

Lastly but not least my sister Jessie who is right up the street and my go to baby sister when mommy is not around.... Jessie has been on the side lines knowing that when my other sister's had to leave she would be the one that would help out...  Jessie has just been blessed with boys so she helps me with Louis... Always telling me that is a boy thing ... She knows how to play with him and helps me understand him... also she is the mommy of Justin his favorite person on earth so that is a plus thank you sister  for loving on me and calling me everyday to make sure that we are ok or coming over to play so you can love up on little man:)

Then there is my mommy that with out her I would not be able to keep anything going..... She is always there loving on my little man who loves her more then any thing... so great ful for a Godly mom who prays with me, cry's with me , laughs with me and is just such a example that being a mom never ends... We are never going to  stop worrying, helping, and praying for our kids.... I am truly am blessed that this is my mama.


SO Yes this year with baby boy has been a fast one and a VERY hard one at times but having him  has been such a blessing thank you Lord for hearing my prayers and blessing me with Louis may he grow up to love you sever you and make you the Master of his life....

Behind the scenes

                                                                                                                                                                                  The words     " be still and know that I am God"....

These words have been in my mind all night. God knows what is next.... Cory has been doing great since they took away one of his Chemotherapy. He has had energy, eating, and just feeling great. He has had a cold this past week but nothing to bad .

I have not been so great.... Having to have it all together is HARD.... 

Taking care of a baby, home schooling the girls, cleaning the house, and taking care of Cory is HARD. I feel bad to say that it is hard... or that I am having a moment. I miss my sister just because we would talk about anything..... I want a nap... coffee with a friend with no babies. Just time to BREATH...  I know many friends have said I would love to have coffee and I say Yes that would be great lets plan that.... but that is it . How do I plan that my life is Crazy. When we don't have chemo. I am doing catch up with school , house stuff, or just life.

 I am doing a study and she said "Life is not a emergency"...

We need to stop and enjoy time. How do we do that? How??

I want to enjoy time . I want to be more like my husband. I am jealous of his life right know. He wants a nap he takes one. He wants to take a hour shower with no one coming in .... He does. He wants guy time he gets it....

I know he is in pain most of the time. But it looks like he does not have a care in the world...

How does he do that. I want that gift of just stopping and enjoying time...

You see as a woman  my mind is always going. Life for me is a emergency I am always thinking of what is next. I am thinking about how my girls are taking or more like handling what is going on with there daddy. I think about what is going to happen next. WHEN is Cory going to get sick again. Money bills, how and when they need to get paid...

School am I teaching my girls right. Are they growing in the Lord do they have a relationship with him... How am I being as a example to the girls ..... 

So stopping is something I don't know how to do.

 You see when I read all these blogs on other people that they are having all together it makes me think how are they really doing... I know making memories are great but are you really doing it all the time. My husband is dying but he acts like he is living forever... things that I would do or say for him is not important and even silly.

This is what is going on behind the scenes.... what makes me not break is knowing with not a doubt ... THAT MY SAVIOR.... know what is going to happen next!!!!

Praise the Lord I don't need to have all the answers. I can have a moment with the Lord. He does not judge me he HOLDS ME...

He sends his word, friends and songs to encourage me. When I feel like I can not go on that is when He steps in... SO even though I don't know how to BREATH.... the Lord takes my next breath for me..

" be still and know I am GOD"

Change....

If you know me at all you would know that I HATE.... change. Of any kind. I don't know if it has to do with my up bring that every corner was change but I hate it. It is what gives me anxiety.... But my Sweet Lord knows that Change is what makes me grow.

What has happen in just this week is overwhelming at times. My sister who has been by my side for the last four months has left. She had to go home. At times  I wanted her to leave thinking it would go back to normal.... yes Normal!!!! LOL, what is normal? I guess I thought her being here was the reason for things being so crazy.... NOPE not the reason... The reason is that 7 months ago the bottom fell out of my life. I asked the Lord I want to love you more. Trust you more, see you more....

How does that happen in our lives. Through CHANGE!!!!! 

Everyday I wake up and think this is not real. Last night as I was rubbing my hubby's head because he was in so much pain... it hit me this is happening. The change ,the craziness is my new normal. Wow, Lord help me see you. Lord help me be the light you need me to be. Help me be the mom to help my babies. Help me be the caretaker you need me to be. Lord help me.... I am weak I need you... That was my prayer...

My husband is sick!!! To write that statement makes me sick. I need him!!!!! How am I going to do this alone..... CHANGE!!!!

Lord I am going to need you to hold me!!!

CHANGE.... I will be a single mother.....

CHANGE.... my rock will have to only be the Lord....

He is not dying today PRAISE THE LORD!!! He is fighting today... He is showing my babies what it is to trust the Lord today... He is showing me what we do for Love... He is being that leader I know and love.. He is my rock star . He complains so little!!! He is always trying to smile to show light even through the pain that makes his body shake... Again proud to be his wife... To have the gift to take care of him..Thank you Lord for moving us to Fl. SO I was able to meet Cory and have the gift of being his wife. I love being his wife... He brings me JOY.... Praise you for this gift!!

 But he is in pain..

He is weak in a way I never have seen him...

Change...... Change....

What I do know is that my heavenly Father is not Change... He is the same today ,tomorrow and forever!!!!!

So this is hard, painful,and the hardest thing I have ever done... this Change I would not CHANGE  for anything...

I have loved harder, severed harder, PRAYED  harder then I have ever done in my life... 

Thank you Lord for making me see you in this change...

Provs.3:5-6