Eyes tell the story~~~~~

    I have to say writting this blog is going to be hard.  But for me as all my friends know keeping it in just makes it hard to breath..... As am writing this I am hearing the song is     "JUST Breath"..We are tried this ride we got on 2 years ago is a hard one. I am always nervous to write because I don't want people to roll their eyes and say here we go again .... she is talking about cancer and the hardish... Get over it!!! At least that is a lie that I have to fight in my head~~~~~ Clearly no one has said that to us praise the Lord but to be honest all my prayer request are always about scans and tests that we going to have . Cory and I want to be done with it. We thought we would be. You see two weeks ago Cory went for his Chemotherapy that he gets every other Wednesday and the Dr. told him you are doing so well that we can say we can stop Chemo!!!!! Praise the Lord !!!! All Cory had to do was go and get his FRIST SCAN  not a big deal after chemo. Cory went and got is scan gave it to the Dr.  and came home the happiest he has been in a long time. All smiles we told every one praising the Lord for the Healing that the Lord done.... Then this past Wednesday we went in for chemo. ready to hear that we could stop chemo. the Dr came in and started reading the scans and would not say a word or even look at us.... We went from happy to worry....... Those few mintues felt like forever.... Then he sat down with a sick feeling on his face. The look in his eyes that did not look good...  He said " well I have good news and then just news"

 I wanted to throw up .... he said " Cory your first surgery saved your life.... " YES when we first look at your scans we where so concer in saving your life that we ..... Over looked something.... We over looked and never treated your stomach cancer!!!!!!!! What   is all I could say. We need to do a PT scan and see if the cancer is still there. and if it is we will have to start doing hard chemo again. and with this new news we can not stop doing chemo at all. I am sorry"~~~~~ talk about the rug being pulled from under us. He said something that stood out on me . He said "Cory I can see in your eyes that you are tried. That you are done. You have to keep fighting .... Don't give up!!!! "Well he walked out ... Cory and I held hands and walked down stairs to get chmeo. not saying one word just looking at each other feeling lost overwhelmed , scared  to what will come. The nurse who know us so well said you too look tried ~~~ I started to cry not the good cry the cring that you make loud sounds and feel like breathing is the hardest thing you can do .... yep that bad.... She hugged me and made me laugh by being silly and encouraging. Cory was just quite because he new if he would talk he would start cring. The nurse said  "you still have that smile Cory keep strong you will be find"... My sister Loren called me from Peru and talked with me ; cried with me and best of all made me laugh. How I miss her on these days :(((( I call my sweet Mother in law and gave her the second hardest news at work she is always so strong telling us to not give up on hope and faith.... When Cory talked to his sweet mama he could hardly talk he was like a little boy saying yes mama love you mama.... I just thought how Louis is my baby and how hard it would be for me to see my baby boy hurting.... I can not image what my mom feels when she talks to her baby boy. Then I talked to my other sisters one was like we are here for you and the other was ALLLL postisive ..... Then I called my mommy. She was strong keeping the faith. I do have to say that them all reminding us of Gods answer prayer really helped Cory and I . We have faith that the PT scans are going to be clear . Yes he will still have to keep doing chemo. which is hard . But we will keep the faith God is still in control and he is writing our story. I pray that he will give us rest. We need time to pray, eat and rest..... 

Pray request is next Wednesday at 5 Cory is going in for his scan and Thursday we are getting the results. So far my thought have been strong . I do want to just throw up all day but other then that I have been blessed with great friends that have loved on my family. Taking the girls out , bring dinner and even taking Cory out for a good guy movie.... Truly so much to be blessed for!!! I do miss my sister Loren and wish I could just have her hear with me. She is truly gifted in understanding all the big words that Dr.s say and she was just very encouraging but the Lord send those in the time that are needed..... Going to Missy this weekend to just breath.... 

Love is a action word

Love is a action word! We say it to each other or about something with out thinking one thinking about it. But today after talking with my hubby I truly saw love in action... Ok I am going to share and be raw... I need a place I can say what is in on my mind and I know that people will pray for me .... You see Cory has had a break from chemotherapy for about a month now. Not by the Dr.s orders more because he needed to take care of me I had to have surgery for some women stuff. So due to that he had to skip his chemotherapy. I have to say it was nice ... He was back to his old self. Working side jobs redoing my kitchen... You see Cory will keep doing all those things and that is where LOVE comes in. He works through or ignore his headaches, that melt taste you get after chemotherapy, his body aches because of getting his white blood count shot... all to show us LOVE.... I have to say I am so thankful that he is here doing all this but today was hard . He called me and told me that the Dr. said that he is doing ok BUT " no more breaks"..... he said the Dr. said that we need to be careful that his cancer can come back so fast... So why am I fighting going into a pit... I have to say reading all the FB post of all our other friends walking through cancer. They start there path have REALLY bad months even year but then it stops. They get to hug the Dr.s neck and go on with out any more chemotherapy... Please I don't  take what I am say this to be mean in anyway Cory and I celebrate with you all. We cry when we hear that someone got cancer we understand the fear, all the questions that come to your mind... For me it is just hard when I know we are not going to have our last day of treatment party.... More like lets make a party that we made it ... When I write that I feel so ungrateful . I think only people that have something like a disability in some way understand... It is just different . Life in general some days everything is ok  you look at it and say I got this I can do this!!! Then they are days that you are more like Why ???? how can I do this I need you Lord???? That is what I am talking about I am having one of those days. The day that I am so great full that Hubby is here; but I hate what he has to go through to be here. Then truth comes in I know that the Lord has a great plan. I see the blessing in cancer at times. today my thoughts are just in a litte fog... One thing I am so thankful that my kids gets to see the word LOVE in action. They get to see how there daddy keeps going... The way he fight for them and not says a word of complaining. Even though he has every reason to say something... They see that when he is tried he looks up for help. SO thank you Lord even though this is so HARD!!!! Thank you that I am blessed to have a husband that LOVES you and us each day ...

Plan B ~~~~

 Plan B when did this come into play the moment we heard you have cancer... I hate that everything is around that word.  Since that day we are not to say the least "normal" we have to ask the Dr.s about everything even when we go to the dentist.  While with that in mind Cory shared with me something he really wanted. Cory is not some one who asks me for things. A month ago when we where visiting our friends we went to there sunday school and a lady came in with her sweet baby girl. She was so sweet ... Cory looked at me and said " I really want a baby girl" I looked at him with a " you are crazy face" and did not think anything about it.... But then we where in Flordia visiting my sister and the same thing happened again a young sweet family came in and with there baby girl . Cory looked over and said " I want a baby girl"  I was like really. That  was PLAN A  we had planed to have another baby... BEFORE  cancer .  

Here is where today comes to play Cory is doing great maybe we can have a baby right!!! While we went to the Dr. today and asked one of our Dr. she is a young lady who does not even have kids of her own. I said to her Dr. we have a question do you think that we would be able to another baby? She took a deep breath and at that moment our other Dr came in to say Hi. She looked so happy to see him . And said Dr they have a question he looked at her and said you can answer it. Right there Cory and I new the answer was going to be a hard one....  She said guys the answer is NO... To have a baby while having chemo is not a wise thing. The baby can be born with a lot of problems... We new that was mostly likly the answer was NO... but to hear it is something different. She went on to share that even though we got two clear scans we are not out of the woods. Cory will be getting chemo for another year and half then only a three month break and back on again... This was hard to hear.. I was more sad for Cory.  He really wanted this. He was like one more thing that cancer has taken.... We had some time that we needed to speak truth ourselves... We are so very blessed with three beauitful babies. My cup spill over with blessings . I do ask for prayer as closing a chapter is always hard. Pray that we see blessing.  Pray that even though we got a buket of cold water we know who holds our days in his hand. Thank you for all the prayer keep them coming... love you all